she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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