Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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