i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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