I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
