Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
being pregnant is like rehab
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
