I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
