Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
