I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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