My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
