he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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