I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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