the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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