Porn is love you can see.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
