By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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