I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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