I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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