you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think I won the penis lottery.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Come on in and take your pants off
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