I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
