Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
