we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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