the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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