I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
