Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
