My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
