cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
