Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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