do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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