so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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