Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
