It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
