Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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