i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
