The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
