so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And then my night got REAL pukey
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
