Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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