You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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