I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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