I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
