someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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