You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
