Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
