Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
