i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
