Cold hands, warm shart.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
