I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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