I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
