Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just cropdusted the office
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
