He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
