Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
