My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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