my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
