Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
