Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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