At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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