I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
