I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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